You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
