True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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