I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize