I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize