I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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