im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
