When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
