But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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