the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
