3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
