Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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