Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
