I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
