Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
