She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
