Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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