i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
