1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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