The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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