3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Christians are straight up FREAKS
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
this is an emotional support booty call
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
