lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize