If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
