2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
