He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
