Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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