i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize