Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
