I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
