I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
