i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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