i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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