I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
