the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
