ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
