Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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