Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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