Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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