Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
me + whiskey = a bad person
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
