She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize