There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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