I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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