Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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