I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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