He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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