mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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