I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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