Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
