the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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