I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
