Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize