My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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