If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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