just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
