It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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