who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
