Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
