Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
