Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my shit smells like andre
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
