you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
